Saturday, October 5, 2013

Lost And Found.

To the forbidden pleasure and the guilt, I feel I've lost myself to the innocent deceptions that the world had to offer. I've lost myself to the thumping of my confused brain. I've lost myself to the possibilities of what could have possibly been mine, but never was. I have lost myself to the memories I clinged on so desperately too. That was never enough though. Someone had given up on them while I held on, or may be they had not treasured them enough to give up on them in the first place.
Constant disappointment, the never ending despair and the darkness that follows after every sunrise. I have lost myself to incomplete endings, to conversations that never happened, to words that were never spoken, to stories that cried, to impossibility of possibilities, to myself. I've lost myself to the world that should have been ours and I am stuck in a world that 'is'. The only way you can find me is through my writings, in these words. Words that bridge the gap between the starking realities. You'll find me noticing the tail of a shooting star. No, I don't wish on shooting stars. I try to decipher their language of loss. Wishing on stars is cliched and yet,  we mortals find pleasure and joy in hoping that our dreams and wishes will turn into reality. What an irony, planning  scripts of happiness through someone's language of loss.
Did you look for me? Did you find me there? See, I've pressed on with care, hoping it would pass. Unapologetically baffled and estranged, numb and apathetic, mundane and half dead. A path overshadows with peels of hopelessness, stumbling across a broken road, left with what is solely mine to bear. I amble on without care, hoping I'll find along the way, a part of me that I had lost. Not long ago.
Oops, I forgot someone was looking for me. I'm sorry. Did I waste your time? I hope not. Its a difficult business, filling the gaps, you know.
See, I am losing you again. Its been happening too often these days. Forgive me. Forget me. Don't try to find me. I won't let you find me. I won't let you know the state of my mind. Its boomeranging between walls of apathy, lunacy and confusion. My life is a long struggle of trying to gain control over situations that are not under my control.
*Sigh.* I know, it doesn't make sense to you, doesn't make sense to me either. You know, when I wander away into this land of nothingness, I realize all I need is a blank parchment of paper and a bottle of ink. Next time, if you want to find me, come prepared with some. Or if I dwindle into nothingness and fade away like the day light, find me here - in my words.


  1. Perhaps that's what life is ... a journey where we lose and find, ourselves and others :-)