Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Never again will birds song will be the same - (P.S NOTHING PERSONAL )

I remember the day I first saw you because that was the day I whispered to my heart “are you ready to break” . I wish you would talk to me & tell me what you truly feel before I have to make a decision based on your inability to communicate . My eyes are filled with tears , my heart filled with pain , my body aching without you , my life is incomplete without you . I made a mistake will you forgive me ? I didn’t cry at first . I was in shock . I sat there and took the heartbreak in , then let it all out when I couldn’t have bare to keep it in me . To know how I feel you will have to walk in ,y shoes , but that cant happen so I guess you will never know . I hate that feeling that I will probably never have chance with you . Its hard to wait around for something that will never happen but also know hat it is all you have ever wanted . I just cant stop thinking about it . Its tearing me apart , I wish you could just holed me in your arm & say you love me . But I can see that will never happen , I have tried to reach you but you are getting farther away from me . Seems like I no longer in your need . I’ll take my step & walk away forever . No doctor can fix the pain I am feeling , no amount of time will heal the wound , my heart is shattering into million pieces don’t you see what your silence did to me ? You wonder why I don’t talk to you , its just that everything I want to say I cant tell you anymore . I need to find myself. Find what I want and what I'm like. Somewhere in the mix I lost myself. A mess is what I am, but a mess is not who I am. I just need out.. I lie to myself i will be OK. I tell others that i am fine. But deep down i know the truth i know that I'm falling apart and i have nothing to hold me together.. I will curse, I will pray, I'll re-live everyday. I'll shout out your name. I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky. But I will not say goodbye. Why is it that I have all the answers for everyone else but can't seem to give myself any?? I'm always there to help others, but never help myself?!

I don't want to fall asleep, cuz I'm afraid to dream. I'm afraid to dream cuz I'll dream of you. I don't want to dream of you, cuz I know it'll never come true.. As I lay here I look at the sky and think of all that happened and say to myself

“never again will birds song will be the same
And to do that to birds was why he came”

Sunday, November 7, 2010

True love never dies

I remember his dark, mysterious eyes and his wild, yet so perfect, hair. His smile lit up the room. His name was Keith. When I was in sixth grade I had the biggest crush on him although I'd never met him. My best friend at the time, Kristen, had pictures of him everywhere. Every time I would go to her house, I would sit on her bed admiring his dark gaze and knowing deep down in my heart that he was the man of my dreams and the only guy in the world that would ever be perfect for me.

Kind of a strange thing for me to be thinking, considering I had never once in my life have spoken one word to him. But I just knew.

Eventually I made it to seventh grade. I moved up into the Jr. High with him (he was in eighth). On the first day of school I was so anxious to meet him. Kristen introduced us and right away we hit it off. Starting that day we talked endlessly on the phone. Sometimes I wouldn't realize what time it was and get off around 4 in the morning.

I loved talking to Keith. I told him everything about me, and he told me everything about himself. Soon we went on a "date" and really started liking each other alot. But, with my luck, another girl came along and screwed it up.

Don't think that we didn't talk after that. We became BEST friends. And the greatest thing was, we always had those hidden feelings for each other no matter if one of us had another significant other or not. There was always a great passion inside me for him that nothing could take away.

A couple years later, when I was a sophomore and Keith was a junior, something bad happened. I betrayed his trust and lied to him about something really important to him. I felt terrible but I could understand why he wasn't talking to me. This went on for about 2 months not talking and I missed him with all my heart. I prayed everyday for the lord to bring us back together because I know we were meant to be.

One day I got a call from Keith's mom saying that he was hit by a drunk driver and was in critical condition. Right then my heart stopped. I didn't want to believe it. This couldn't be happening. I loved him too much and we had a future together.

There would be no more going to restaurants together and spitting spit wads at the waitresses, no more shoulder to cry on and no one to tell my deepest darkest secrets to, no one to call in the middle of the night to just talk because I couldn't sleep, and no one to talk about our future plans together when we get married and are rich and have one baby boy. Worst of all, no more best friend.

That night I went up to the hospital to see him. He could barely talk at all. I looked at him and I cried. That's all I could do. I wanted him to forgive me, I wanted him to stay. I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to pray. I wanted to laugh with him, I wanted him to live. But what I did instead was cry. Then he did something that I will never forget. He grabbed my hand and said these words: "Amy, I will never stop loving you. I love you with all my heart. You're my best friend, sister, and my first and only love."

Then he fell asleep. "I love you too Keith" I whispered and I slowly walked out of his room with tears streaming down my cheeks. The next morning I got another call from his mom. This time she said "I'm sorry Amy, Keith has passed away". I could hear the hurt and pain in her trembling voice. I cried, but then I remembered: True love never dies.